Because other people might find this conversation unsettling.

Have you ever found yourself laughing at something completely inappropriate and wishing you had someone who's sense of humor was as fucked up as yours that you could share said inappropriateness with?  No?  Well, fuck you.  I have such a friend. Her name is Jennie.  She is one of the only people in the world that I can have a conversation with like the one that follows and have it be classified as "normal" in our little worlds.    

The set up: I sent her (Jennie) a post from a blogger that we both really admire (hint:  it's The Bloggess (who, ironically, is also named Jenny).  You should read her stuff.  She's much funnier than I am.  In fact, skip my post altogether and go follow her.)  

It's exchanges like these that make me able to be at work for 8 hours a day and not go completely apeshit and try to burn my office building down. 

Me: Read this post of hers.  This particular one had me dying in my cubicle and people asking me if I was ok. 

Jennie:  She is such a good friend to us.

Me:  She really is.  She doesn't even know it, yet.  It'll be a glorious day when she can finally see us when we're not behind the telephoto lens.  We should probably tell her that the blue shirt makes her look fat*.   Or would that be too weird?

Jennie:  If your friends can’t be honest with you, who will?

Me:  That's right.  She must understand that we stalk, I mean observe, because we care.  Stalk is too harsh a verb.  

Jennie:  It’s only internet stalking so it doesn’t really count.  If we were in Texas on the other hand.

Me:  It's not like I want to put her in a hole in the ground and make her put lotion on herself. Although I just thought of a great idea for our first official group date.   Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

Jennie:  We can make skin clothes out of her that way. 

Me:  She just better not hurt my dog**. 

*The Bloggess is totally not fat.  She's made of rainbows.  And unicorns.  And I think a griffin.  Or is it a sphinx?  I'm waiting for the lab work to come back.  

**For those confused with the references, watch this.  And get your ass in the 21st century, Philistine. 

(P.S. Seriously, if you ever read this Jenny (The Bloggess), we mean you no harm.  We're just big fans with an extremely warped sense of humor.   You wouldn't happen to be willing to help me put my couch in a van, would you?)

!!UPDATE - The Conversation Continues!!:  The comments that followed this blog were just another shining example of the insanity that passes for regular conversation between Jennie and I that I had to add them to the body of the post.  Enjoy! 

Jennie:   Devon, you are dangerously close to blowing the cover on Operation Polyandry Sandwich.  You better hope she doesn't read this or else our mission might fail.  It was foolproof.  

Me:  Well MAYBE if you hadn't referred to the Operation and PRETENDED like we were talking about the band, this whole thing would still fly under the radar.  Who's stirring the turd now?!

Jennie:  Look who's calling the kettle stoned.  I'm not the one who brought up the van OR The Bloggess Skin Shoes.  

Me:  Who mentioned Skin Shoes?  That's right.  You did.  Your move.  

Jennie:  Okay, okay, okay.  I may have brought it up but NOT in a public forum.  That was all you babycakes.  And maybe I didn't specify "shoes" privately but knowing me the way you do, you knew "shoes" was implied.  

Me:  Touche. 

These are a few of my favorite things....that will earn you a swift kick in the 'nads and/or ovaries.

"Funner" - Use of this "word" makes me want to bleed from the ears and it takes all of my willpower not to strike you in the face with my righteous fist of proper vocabulary.   If you see me raising my hand after you use this, your best bet would be to duck.  But it probably won't help. 

"Supposably" - No, no, no, NO!  The word is, has and always will be "supposedly".  A certain love of my life uses this on a nearly constant basis and the only thing I can think of when he says it is "Thank Jebus he's pretty".

"Aweful" - Maybe you mean to say "full of awe", but chances are you don't.  It's "awful" and you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house if you don't know how to spell it correctly.

"LOL" - While you may be "laughing out loud" on occasion, excessive use of this abbreviation has more than a fair chance of causing me to never again engage with you in a text-based conversation and will force me to repeatedly bang my head against the nearest blunt object until I give myself a concussion.   Nobody laughs that much unless they're in a straight jacket and a padded room.  

Misspellings of any kind - In this day and age, with all of the gadgetry and hoo-ha available to the masses, ANY misspellings, grammar errors, punctuation mistakes, etc., should be non-existent.  Don't know how to spell a word?  That's what Google is for.  Unsure of how to construct a sentence?  There's about a million different programs available to you (for free even, you cheap bastard!) that will enable your written works to look as if they were heaved forth from the Bard's sanctified asshole itself.   The fact that there are thousands of emails/essays/blog posts/status updates that show otherwise proves that most are too stupid/lazy/douche-baggy to care.  These people should be rounded up and and put into camps where they're forced to repeat every English class in the history of forever until it's branded into their brains for good. 

That's my rant.  Class dismissed. 

FYI (a.k.a. Someone Has a Case of the Mondays)

So this morning at work, I may or may not have forwarded to my entire department (including the VP) an email conversation between my friend and I wherein she asked me what was worse - that she had a croissant that tasted like semen or that, once finding that her croissant tasted like man juice, she proceeded to finish the thing.  I also may or may not have included the response to that email wherein I called her a whore. 

The best part is that I may or may not have put FYI in the body of the forward.   As if to allegedly say  "Just so you know, my friend ate a jizz flavored bread product and I think she's a hooker for doing so.  Enjoy your day."  

Is it time to go home yet??