Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Because other people might find this conversation unsettling.

Have you ever found yourself laughing at something completely inappropriate and wishing you had someone who's sense of humor was as fucked up as yours that you could share said inappropriateness with?  No?  Well, fuck you.  I have such a friend. Her name is Jennie.  She is one of the only people in the world that I can have a conversation with like the one that follows and have it be classified as "normal" in our little worlds.    

The set up: I sent her (Jennie) a post from a blogger that we both really admire (hint:  it's The Bloggess (who, ironically, is also named Jenny).  You should read her stuff.  She's much funnier than I am.  In fact, skip my post altogether and go follow her.)  

It's exchanges like these that make me able to be at work for 8 hours a day and not go completely apeshit and try to burn my office building down. 

Me: Read this post of hers.  This particular one had me dying in my cubicle and people asking me if I was ok. 

Jennie:  She is such a good friend to us.

Me:  She really is.  She doesn't even know it, yet.  It'll be a glorious day when she can finally see us when we're not behind the telephoto lens.  We should probably tell her that the blue shirt makes her look fat*.   Or would that be too weird?

Jennie:  If your friends can’t be honest with you, who will?

Me:  That's right.  She must understand that we stalk, I mean observe, because we care.  Stalk is too harsh a verb.  

Jennie:  It’s only internet stalking so it doesn’t really count.  If we were in Texas on the other hand.

Me:  It's not like I want to put her in a hole in the ground and make her put lotion on herself. Although I just thought of a great idea for our first official group date.   Put the fucking lotion in the basket!
Jennie:  We can make skin clothes out of her that way. 

Me:  She just better not hurt my dog**. 

*The Bloggess is totally not fat.  She's made of rainbows.  And unicorns.  And I think a griffin.  Or is it a sphinx?  I'm waiting for the lab work to come back.  

**For those confused with the references, watch this.  And get your ass in the 21st century, Philistine. 

(P.S. Seriously, if you ever read this Jenny (The Bloggess), we mean you no harm.  We're just big fans with an extremely warped sense of humor.   You wouldn't happen to be willing to help me put my couch in a van, would you?)

!!UPDATE - The Conversation Continues!!:  The comments that followed this blog were just another shining example of the insanity that passes for regular conversation between Jennie and I that I had to add them to the body of the post.  Enjoy! 

Jennie:   Devon, you are dangerously close to blowing the cover on Operation Polyandry Sandwich.  You better hope she doesn't read this or else our mission might fail.  It was foolproof.  

Me:  Well MAYBE if you hadn't referred to the Operation and PRETENDED like we were talking about the band, this whole thing would still fly under the radar.  Who's stirring the turd now?!

Jennie:  Look who's calling the kettle stoned.  I'm not the one who brought up the van OR The Bloggess Skin Shoes.  

Me:  Who mentioned Skin Shoes?  That's right.  You did.  Your move.  

Jennie:  Okay, okay, okay.  I may have brought it up but NOT in a public forum.  That was all you babycakes.  And maybe I didn't specify "shoes" privately but knowing me the way you do, you knew "shoes" was implied.  

Me:  Touche.