tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39925711637019389882024-03-13T02:49:23.179-06:00Welcome to My Head. Mind the Chasm on Your Left.There are a lot of blogs out there. This is one of them.Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-52436365160061106532011-12-29T12:28:00.000-07:002011-12-29T12:28:22.935-07:00My Man is Better Than Your Man<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It's been a while since I've posted and I know, I know - you've missed me. And I you. But guess what? I've been busy, yo! Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and being the mother of a toddler can do that to a woman. There are gatherings to attend, pictures to be taken and general craziness that ensues. But I'm back and I'm in pensive mode. With the holiday season pretty much behind us and the new year looming, I've been ruminating on the things that mean the most to me and I've decided I need to give a shout out to the man that's made pretty much every great thing that's happened to me over the last two and a half years possible. So sit down, buckle up and hang on. I'm about to brag like a motherfucker about why my man kicks ass. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Reason #1: He's Smart!</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Ridiculously smart. As in CERTIFIED MICROBIOLOGIST smart! He's got brains practically falling out of his asshole. And that's sexy as hell. And yes, I realize how that visual looks. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Reason #2: He's Thoughtful!</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">He remembers anniversaries and what my favorite flowers are. He listens when I speak. He knows how to give gifts like I've never seen and they are ALWAYS appropriate. I give you Exhibit A: </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oCYI5dVJGL4/Tvy3zD2cIWI/AAAAAAAAAKM/31nftWqpO1I/s1600/381374_10150498223583216_824453215_8821841_622547017_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oCYI5dVJGL4/Tvy3zD2cIWI/AAAAAAAAAKM/31nftWqpO1I/s400/381374_10150498223583216_824453215_8821841_622547017_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">He fucking GETS me. </span> </td></tr>
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Reason #3: He's Funny!</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Sometimes it's intentional. Sometimes it's not. All of the time it's fucking hilarious. Some of his more memorable gems: </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Me: Nobody could survive that kind of jump. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Him: You could if you had an Adamantium asshole.</i> </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Watching <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458525/" target="_blank"><u>X-Men Origins: Wolverine</u></a> and Hugh Jackman has just jumped off of an insanely high waterfall)</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> <i>Him: I don't remember his name. Not Charles Barkley, but that other black guy that plays basketball.</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Me: Ummmmmmmm........ </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Trying to describe who a sports commentator is to me)</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Me: Justin Bieber has a new cologne out. </span></span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Him: I bet it smells like Jesus!! </span></span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Reason #4: He's a Great Father!</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He adores our child. And the feeling is totally mutual. </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><object height="300" width="400"><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="movie" value="http://www.facebook.com/v/10150325884153216" /><embed src="http://www.facebook.com/v/10150325884153216" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="300"></embed></object></span></span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Reason #5 (and I think this is the most important): He Chose Me</b></span>!</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Who doesn't enjoy being loved???????? </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fy9OsweFrDU/Tvy8HZFoz2I/AAAAAAAAAKY/tmcqiRPo3Us/s1600/Justin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fy9OsweFrDU/Tvy8HZFoz2I/AAAAAAAAAKY/tmcqiRPo3Us/s400/Justin.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #660000;">Back off, bitches. This one's mine.</span> </td></tr>
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</div>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-25057061485471923732011-09-07T14:44:00.011-06:002011-09-08T15:32:42.718-06:00Because other people might find this conversation unsettling.<div style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Have you ever found yourself laughing at something completely inappropriate and wishing you had someone who's sense of humor was as fucked up as yours that you could share said inappropriateness with? No? Well, fuck you. I have such a friend. Her name is Jennie. She is one of the only people in the world that I can have a conversation with like the one that follows and have it be classified as "normal" in our little worlds. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">The set up: I sent her (Jennie) a post from a blogger that we both really admire (hint: it's <a href="http://thebloggess.com/">The Bloggess</a> (who, ironically, is also named Jenny). You should read her stuff. She's much funnier than I am. In fact, skip my post altogether and go follow her.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">It's exchanges like these that make me able to be at work for 8 hours a day and not go completely apeshit and try to burn my office building down. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> Read <a href="http://thebloggess.com/2009/04/babies-are-flammable-but-only-at-night-for-some-reason/">this</a> post of hers. This particular one had me dying in my cubicle and people asking me if I was ok. </span></i></div><div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<i><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> She is such a good friend to us.</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="-moz-background-clip: border; -moz-background-origin: padding; -moz-background-size: auto auto; background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0% 0%; background-repeat: repeat; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> She really is. She doesn't even know it, yet. It'll be a glorious day when she can finally see us when we're not behind the telephoto lens. We should probably tell her that the blue shirt makes her look fat*. Or would that be too weird?</span></i></div></div><div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<i><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> If your friends can’t be honest with you, who will?</span></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-bottom: 12pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in;"><i><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #45818e;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> </span> That's right. She must understand that we stalk, I mean observe, because we care. Stalk is too harsh a verb. <span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;"> </span></span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;">Jennie:</span> <span style="color: black;">It’s only internet stalking so it doesn’t </span><span style="color: black; font-style: italic;">really </span><span style="color: black;">count. If we were in Texas on the other hand</span>.</span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me: </span> It's not like I want to put her in a hole in the ground and make her put lotion on herself. Although I just thought of a great idea for our first official group date. Put the fucking lotion in the basket!</span></i></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> We can make skin clothes out of her that way. </span></span></i></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> She just better not hurt my dog**. </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;">*<a href="http://thebloggess.com/">The Bloggess</a> is totally not fat. She's made of rainbows. And unicorns. And I think a griffin. Or is it a sphinx? I'm waiting for the lab work to come back. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;">**For those confused with the references, watch <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQb2m6VJ-eo">this</a>. And get your ass in the 21st century, Philistine. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"> </span></div><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Goudy; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">(P.S. Seriously, if you ever read this Jenny (</span><a href="http://thebloggess.com/"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Bloggess</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">), we mean you no harm. We're just big fans with an extremely warped sense of humor. You wouldn't happen to be willing to help me put my couch in a van, would you?)</span></span></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><b>!!UPDATE - The Conversation Continues!!:</b> The comments that followed this blog were just another shining example of the insanity that passes for regular conversation between Jennie and I that I had to add them to the body of the post. Enjoy! </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> Devon, you are dangerously close to blowing the cover on Operation Polyandry Sandwich. You better hope she doesn't read this or else our mission might fail. It was foolproof. </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> Well MAYBE if you hadn't referred to the Operation and PRETENDED like we were talking about the band, this whole thing would still fly under the radar. Who's stirring the turd now?!</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> Look who's calling the kettle stoned. I'm not the one who brought up the van OR The Bloggess Skin Shoes. </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> Who mentioned Skin Shoes? That's right. You did. Your move. </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><span style="color: purple;">Jennie:</span> Okay, okay, okay. I may have brought it up but NOT in a public forum. That was all you babycakes. And maybe I didn't specify "shoes" privately but knowing me the way you do, you knew "shoes" was implied. </span></i></div><div style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: #134f5c;">Me:</span> Touche. </i></span></div></div></div>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-29019409736187157772011-08-05T11:45:00.000-06:002011-08-05T11:45:48.730-06:00My next job description needs to include the words "cut a bitch".<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">At my current job, I have a lot of time on my hands. And by a lot, I mean 7.5 hours out of my day. Couple that with an almost insane desire to be rich and famous and drunk, throw in a friend who wishes the exact same thing, and guess what happens? </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Magic. That's what happens. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So, for those of us who dare to dream of the red carpets, rehab and getting paid to party, my friend and I give you The Socialite Pledge of Allegiance. In the name of Paris Hilton, amen. </span><br style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;" /><br style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;" /><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Place your right hand over your Britney (socialite speak for your cheechaw - may you flash it whenever possible) and repeat after me:</span><div style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #eeeeee; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #ea9999; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #45818e; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I pledge allegiance to Perez and the United Hills of Hollywood. And to the nightclub, in</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #45818e; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #45818e; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">which I'll fall, one nation, under glitter, incoherently, with 3 snaps</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #45818e; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #45818e; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">and a wave to the papz. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Thank you Glitter God!! </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizD3cZK1K6L9Dy1NFlfNyjF1kigMQrtjMOWcyLOUzNwjWv2VdChw8ptkEtUkdx0pus2wI60xaIbrgQjJjuGAf3Dr419TNy4Y2iTb45n4J1KsjMcTJAuQE6jAvvF5t4PrxUnSgnpBrtgS5p/s1600/n824453215_1824167_8013937.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizD3cZK1K6L9Dy1NFlfNyjF1kigMQrtjMOWcyLOUzNwjWv2VdChw8ptkEtUkdx0pus2wI60xaIbrgQjJjuGAf3Dr419TNy4Y2iTb45n4J1KsjMcTJAuQE6jAvvF5t4PrxUnSgnpBrtgS5p/s320/n824453215_1824167_8013937.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But never too drunk to cut you. </span></td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-73179385346295754562011-07-28T15:07:00.001-06:002011-07-29T16:21:16.116-06:00Dictatorship never looked so adorable.<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Meet your future world leader: </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJGuwtrsx6UPDjOoTTxqgBSoJ9t_-3TmoHUFkKXINZ_aA4d_DOJDIvlqr517_6sq6jju5JHNLVaEFk3ILKdLOEgy6RjPyV04V5gXgd5VdtDUYMCmVzAJS0VisidgxsXF0C9hCkKfhq83jr/s1600/268891_10150257542458216_824453215_7439313_8148116_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJGuwtrsx6UPDjOoTTxqgBSoJ9t_-3TmoHUFkKXINZ_aA4d_DOJDIvlqr517_6sq6jju5JHNLVaEFk3ILKdLOEgy6RjPyV04V5gXgd5VdtDUYMCmVzAJS0VisidgxsXF0C9hCkKfhq83jr/s320/268891_10150257542458216_824453215_7439313_8148116_n.jpg" width="240" /> </a></td><td style="text-align: center;"></td><td style="text-align: center;"></td><td style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;">Surprise! I own you!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">That smoochable little creature is my daughter, Piper. Or as you will soon refer to her, Grand Master Cutie Pants. From the moment she came into this world, she has captivated everyone around her and has convinced even the grumpiest of grumpuses to do her bidding. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOqq_QsDVzLmfbj9H1-ylOveba3oMvS65HeXWMEd96OwmC7aavpiMB4KkktucwcXPNZWlcNtOYjOFic0cKJGmxNJqZZ3INHU-vJnZ_m7uyuYxDPOhGaLi-OXt216lvjWcF3TgXC1rfRgCb/s1600/248744_10150216628478216_824453215_7146708_6382762_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOqq_QsDVzLmfbj9H1-ylOveba3oMvS65HeXWMEd96OwmC7aavpiMB4KkktucwcXPNZWlcNtOYjOFic0cKJGmxNJqZZ3INHU-vJnZ_m7uyuYxDPOhGaLi-OXt216lvjWcF3TgXC1rfRgCb/s320/248744_10150216628478216_824453215_7146708_6382762_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;">You, paparazzo, will pay the price for your insolence. </span></td></tr>
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Being a mother was never anything I envisioned for myself. Now that I am one, it's something that I can't imagine NOT doing. It's the most frustrating, the most stressful, but ultimately, the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my entire life. The sleepless nights, the crying jags, the temper tantrums are all rendered pointless when she gives me just one smile. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgis2w0JesV5NDZA9zwUWv_J8qEcDOdLd80OEEmMUPgHsdFXOEYox5rycKa-Gtlhp1HbYyfJX56qvDZQpb4E36TdahhKcN_pCaYQs1t6rbkHd2p5YPwe7rzF55nyiJcEVjrBI-C3-2nqh3c/s1600/167223_10150094239613216_824453215_6119235_7214958_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgis2w0JesV5NDZA9zwUWv_J8qEcDOdLd80OEEmMUPgHsdFXOEYox5rycKa-Gtlhp1HbYyfJX56qvDZQpb4E36TdahhKcN_pCaYQs1t6rbkHd2p5YPwe7rzF55nyiJcEVjrBI-C3-2nqh3c/s320/167223_10150094239613216_824453215_6119235_7214958_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple;">Even an evil smile will do. </span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</tbody></table><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So prepare for the future. You will be seeing a lot more of this face in days to come. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCcaMF9iRZs32pzqwNKyDeM1mUj80lzRQw3Rw5DG8WxkusPYr8pP7WkyXD9Q8ZJSviYmUmmxfT7d1XQ0KoO3oVT3cq916wg5zWdyKhcLcnPpiW-BSb5mqd-W0wp2KnVulwgdO9_OlFLirR/s1600/253712_10150224358868216_824453215_7229868_6843083_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCcaMF9iRZs32pzqwNKyDeM1mUj80lzRQw3Rw5DG8WxkusPYr8pP7WkyXD9Q8ZJSviYmUmmxfT7d1XQ0KoO3oVT3cq916wg5zWdyKhcLcnPpiW-BSb5mqd-W0wp2KnVulwgdO9_OlFLirR/s320/253712_10150224358868216_824453215_7229868_6843083_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: purple;">That's right. Worship me.</span> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-41001955013626214072011-07-27T15:22:00.002-06:002011-09-09T12:51:14.470-06:00These are a few of my favorite things....that will earn you a swift kick in the 'nads and/or ovaries.<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"Funner" - Use of this "word" makes me want to bleed from the ears and it takes all of my willpower not to strike you in the face with my righteous fist of proper vocabulary. If you see me raising my hand after you use this, your best bet would be to duck. But it probably won't help. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"Supposably" - No, no, no, NO! The word is, has and always will be "supposedly". A certain love of my life uses this on a nearly constant basis and the only thing I can think of when he says it is "Thank Jebus he's pretty". </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"Aweful" - Maybe you mean to say "full of awe", but chances are you don't. It's "awful" and you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house if you don't know how to spell it correctly.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"LOL" - While you may be "laughing out loud" on occasion, excessive use of this abbreviation has more than a fair chance of causing me to never again engage with you in a text-based conversation and will force me to repeatedly bang my head against the nearest blunt object until I give myself a concussion. Nobody laughs that much unless they're in a straight jacket and a padded room. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Misspellings of any kind - In this day and age, with all of the gadgetry and hoo-ha available to the masses, ANY misspellings, grammar errors, punctuation mistakes, etc., should be non-existent. Don't know how to spell a word? That's what Google is for. Unsure of how to construct a sentence? There's about a million different programs available to you (for free even, you cheap bastard!) that will enable your written works to look as if they were heaved forth from the Bard's sanctified asshole itself. The fact that there are thousands of emails/essays/blog posts/status updates that show otherwise proves that most are too stupid/lazy/douche-baggy to care. These people should be rounded up and and put into camps where they're forced to repeat every English class in the history of forever until it's branded into their brains for good. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">That's my rant. Class dismissed. </span>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-68962322410225513842011-07-11T15:44:00.002-06:002011-07-12T11:10:03.882-06:00FYI (a.k.a. Someone Has a Case of the Mondays)<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So this morning at work, I may or may not have forwarded to my entire department (including the VP) an email conversation between my friend and I wherein she asked me what was worse - that she had a croissant that tasted like semen or that, once finding that her croissant tasted like man juice, she proceeded to finish the thing. I also may or may not have included the response to that email wherein I called her a whore. <br />
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The best part is that I may or may not have put FYI in the body of the forward. As if to allegedly say "Just so you know, my friend ate a jizz flavored bread product and I think she's a hooker for doing so. Enjoy your day." </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Is it time to go home yet?? </span>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-21632119898837605792011-06-28T09:28:00.012-06:002011-07-01T14:55:59.477-06:00You're Welcome<span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;">I'm here to talk to you about a very real danger. It could be lurking in your closet, under your bed, even in your bathtub. Through awareness and vigilance, we can stop this menace in its tracks. </span> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;"><br />
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That's right. I'm talking about monsters. </span> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;"><br />
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You may not have seen the monsters lurking in your home, but let me assure you, they are there. Let us discuss the top three types of monsters and what can be done to ensure that you and your loved ones do not become another statistic in the monster/human conflict. </span> <br />
<ul style="font-family: verdana;"><li><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Type 1:</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Bathtub Monsters</span></span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;">These are the least scary (but still dangerous) member of the monster family. Usually some toys, water, and a little soap and shampoo will do the trick in transforming these terrifying creatures into something less appalling (i.e. your child). A regular ritual of cleansing will ensure that this particular type of scourge will never darken your door. However, if unattended, the bathtub monster will assault your senses with foul odors and wreak havoc on your carpets and furniture. </span> <br />
<ul style="font-family: verdana;"><li><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Type 2:</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Under the Bed Monsters</span></span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;">This type of monster is a bit trickier than its cousin, the bathtub monster. Lurking under your bed, this rapscallion will take any opportunity to jump out and grab your feet when least expected (or use its mind powers to make you THINK that it will do this), causing sleeplessness, which in turn leads to increased carelessness, doltishness and other -ness's. Clever use of socks and never, EVER leaving your feet uncovered will help to neutralize this obnoxious offender. </span> <br />
<ul style="font-family: verdana;"><li><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Type 3:</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Closet Monsters</span></span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;">The worst of all the monster species, this horrific creature waits patiently in your closet for you to fall asleep before eating you, bones and all. The ONLY way to avoid this monster is to make sure all closet and bathroom doors are closed TIGHTLY before closing your eyes. Due to the length of their claws and lack of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">opposable</span> thumbs, the closet monster cannot turn door knobs (or play video games, but that's for another post). However, if doors are not shut tightly or left open, the clothes in the closet will begin to dance, thereby hypnotizing you to sleep and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">BAM</span>! That will be the end of you. </span> <span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;"><br />
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Please help me spread the word about the monster scourge. Let us not lose anyone else to this terrible affliction. Thank you for letting me play. Goodnight. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: 100%;"><b style="background-color: purple; color: white;">Monster Update 2011:</b> Great. Now we have <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000I8Z9KK/ref=tag_tdp_dp">*this*</a> to deal with. Will the conflict never end?!!!!!!!</span>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3992571163701938988.post-18996790416737199782008-09-26T14:18:00.001-06:002011-06-28T11:13:17.360-06:00My BJ's Are Better Than Yours.....<span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" >Now, I am not what you consider to be a 'small' girl.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">In fact, I have been fond of saying that I don't have curves, I have road blocks. </span><span style="font-family:Verdana;"> But through extensive research (and yes, I do mean EXTENSIVE), I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that girls of my...stature do better than girls of a thinner nature. One of these things is blowjobs. </span><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:Verdana;">Now before the comments and the emails, etc., begin about how this couldn't possibly be true, I have come up with three very good reasons as to why this is. They are as follows: </span><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" >1-) Chubby girls rarely get men to come back to their places. This is true and you know it is and anyone who disagrees can not talk to me for two to four minutes. We get so excited when we finally do get a man back to the lair, we've got to figure out a way to keep him there. A magically delicious mouth is a sure fire way to get any man to forget that he went home with the big 'un friend. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" >2-) We've been shoving shit into our mouths for years!!! And when you think on the fact that the things that we've been throwing down our gullets are decidedly phallic in nature (Twinkie's, Ho Ho's, etc.)......seriously. Blow jobs are like the chubby girl Olympics and every big girl has been training for the gold medal since she was in size 14 husky jeans. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" >And lastly, and this is the most important in my book...</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;" >3-) Our mothers always taught us to swallow. Mull that one over a bit. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:100%;">Line forms to the left, gentlemen. Single file, please. Thank you. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:0pt;"> </span></span></span>Devy Mamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02180298664422956278noreply@blogger.com3