Thursday, July 28, 2011

Dictatorship never looked so adorable.

Meet your future world leader:   

Surprise!  I own you!
That smoochable little creature is my daughter, Piper.  Or as you will soon refer to her, Grand Master Cutie Pants.   From the moment she came into this world, she has captivated everyone around her and has convinced even the grumpiest of grumpuses to do her bidding.  

You, paparazzo, will pay  the price for your insolence.

Being a mother was never anything I envisioned for myself.  Now that I am one, it's something that I can't imagine NOT doing.  It's the most frustrating, the most stressful, but ultimately, the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my entire life.  The sleepless nights, the crying jags, the temper tantrums are all rendered pointless when she gives me just one smile.  

Even an evil smile will do.

So prepare for the future.  You will be seeing a lot more of this face in days to come. 

That's right.  Worship me. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

These are a few of my favorite things....that will earn you a swift kick in the 'nads and/or ovaries.

"Funner" - Use of this "word" makes me want to bleed from the ears and it takes all of my willpower not to strike you in the face with my righteous fist of proper vocabulary.   If you see me raising my hand after you use this, your best bet would be to duck.  But it probably won't help. 

"Supposably" - No, no, no, NO!  The word is, has and always will be "supposedly".  A certain love of my life uses this on a nearly constant basis and the only thing I can think of when he says it is "Thank Jebus he's pretty".

"Aweful" - Maybe you mean to say "full of awe", but chances are you don't.  It's "awful" and you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house if you don't know how to spell it correctly.

"LOL" - While you may be "laughing out loud" on occasion, excessive use of this abbreviation has more than a fair chance of causing me to never again engage with you in a text-based conversation and will force me to repeatedly bang my head against the nearest blunt object until I give myself a concussion.   Nobody laughs that much unless they're in a straight jacket and a padded room.  

Misspellings of any kind - In this day and age, with all of the gadgetry and hoo-ha available to the masses, ANY misspellings, grammar errors, punctuation mistakes, etc., should be non-existent.  Don't know how to spell a word?  That's what Google is for.  Unsure of how to construct a sentence?  There's about a million different programs available to you (for free even, you cheap bastard!) that will enable your written works to look as if they were heaved forth from the Bard's sanctified asshole itself.   The fact that there are thousands of emails/essays/blog posts/status updates that show otherwise proves that most are too stupid/lazy/douche-baggy to care.  These people should be rounded up and and put into camps where they're forced to repeat every English class in the history of forever until it's branded into their brains for good. 

That's my rant.  Class dismissed. 

Monday, July 11, 2011

FYI (a.k.a. Someone Has a Case of the Mondays)

So this morning at work, I may or may not have forwarded to my entire department (including the VP) an email conversation between my friend and I wherein she asked me what was worse - that she had a croissant that tasted like semen or that, once finding that her croissant tasted like man juice, she proceeded to finish the thing.  I also may or may not have included the response to that email wherein I called her a whore. 

The best part is that I may or may not have put FYI in the body of the forward.   As if to allegedly say  "Just so you know, my friend ate a jizz flavored bread product and I think she's a hooker for doing so.  Enjoy your day."  

Is it time to go home yet??