Tuesday, June 28, 2011

You're Welcome

I'm here to talk to you about a very real danger. It could be lurking in your closet, under your bed, even in your bathtub. Through awareness and vigilance, we can stop this menace in its tracks.

That's right. I'm talking about monsters.

You may not have seen the monsters lurking in your home, but let me assure you, they are there. Let us discuss the top three types of monsters and what can be done to ensure that you and your loved ones do not become another statistic in the monster/human conflict.

  • Type 1: Bathtub Monsters
These are the least scary (but still dangerous) member of the monster family. Usually some toys, water, and a little soap and shampoo will do the trick in transforming these terrifying creatures into something less appalling (i.e. your child). A regular ritual of cleansing will ensure that this particular type of scourge will never darken your door. However, if unattended, the bathtub monster will assault your senses with foul odors and wreak havoc on your carpets and furniture.
  • Type 2: Under the Bed Monsters
This type of monster is a bit trickier than its cousin, the bathtub monster. Lurking under your bed, this rapscallion will take any opportunity to jump out and grab your feet when least expected (or use its mind powers to make you THINK that it will do this), causing sleeplessness, which in turn leads to increased carelessness, doltishness and other -ness's. Clever use of socks and never, EVER leaving your feet uncovered will help to neutralize this obnoxious offender.
  • Type 3: Closet Monsters
The worst of all the monster species, this horrific creature waits patiently in your closet for you to fall asleep before eating you, bones and all. The ONLY way to avoid this monster is to make sure all closet and bathroom doors are closed TIGHTLY before closing your eyes. Due to the length of their claws and lack of opposable thumbs, the closet monster cannot turn door knobs (or play video games, but that's for another post). However, if doors are not shut tightly or left open, the clothes in the closet will begin to dance, thereby hypnotizing you to sleep and BAM! That will be the end of you.

Please help me spread the word about the monster scourge. Let us not lose anyone else to this terrible affliction. Thank you for letting me play. Goodnight. 

Monster Update 2011:  Great.  Now we have *this* to deal with.  Will the conflict never end?!!!!!!!


  1. this is AMAZING!

  2. Thank you. Just doing my part to make homes a little safer.