Dictatorship never looked so adorable.

Meet your future world leader:   

 

Surprise!  I own you!

That smoochable little creature is my daughter, Piper.  Or as you will soon refer to her, Grand Master Cutie Pants.   From the moment she came into this world, she has captivated everyone around her and has convinced even the grumpiest of grumpuses to do her bidding.  

You, paparazzo, will pay  the price for your insolence.

Being a mother was never anything I envisioned for myself.  Now that I am one, it's something that I can't imagine NOT doing.  It's the most frustrating, the most stressful, but ultimately, the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my entire life.  The sleepless nights, the crying jags, the temper tantrums are all rendered pointless when she gives me just one smile.  

Even an evil smile will do.

So prepare for the future.  You will be seeing a lot more of this face in days to come. 

That's right.  Worship me. 

These are a few of my favorite things....that will earn you a swift kick in the 'nads and/or ovaries.

"Funner" - Use of this "word" makes me want to bleed from the ears and it takes all of my willpower not to strike you in the face with my righteous fist of proper vocabulary.   If you see me raising my hand after you use this, your best bet would be to duck.  But it probably won't help. 

"Supposably" - No, no, no, NO!  The word is, has and always will be "supposedly".  A certain love of my life uses this on a nearly constant basis and the only thing I can think of when he says it is "Thank Jebus he's pretty".

"Aweful" - Maybe you mean to say "full of awe", but chances are you don't.  It's "awful" and you shouldn't be allowed to leave your house if you don't know how to spell it correctly.

"LOL" - While you may be "laughing out loud" on occasion, excessive use of this abbreviation has more than a fair chance of causing me to never again engage with you in a text-based conversation and will force me to repeatedly bang my head against the nearest blunt object until I give myself a concussion.   Nobody laughs that much unless they're in a straight jacket and a padded room.  

Misspellings of any kind - In this day and age, with all of the gadgetry and hoo-ha available to the masses, ANY misspellings, grammar errors, punctuation mistakes, etc., should be non-existent.  Don't know how to spell a word?  That's what Google is for.  Unsure of how to construct a sentence?  There's about a million different programs available to you (for free even, you cheap bastard!) that will enable your written works to look as if they were heaved forth from the Bard's sanctified asshole itself.   The fact that there are thousands of emails/essays/blog posts/status updates that show otherwise proves that most are too stupid/lazy/douche-baggy to care.  These people should be rounded up and and put into camps where they're forced to repeat every English class in the history of forever until it's branded into their brains for good. 

That's my rant.  Class dismissed. 

FYI (a.k.a. Someone Has a Case of the Mondays)

So this morning at work, I may or may not have forwarded to my entire department (including the VP) an email conversation between my friend and I wherein she asked me what was worse - that she had a croissant that tasted like semen or that, once finding that her croissant tasted like man juice, she proceeded to finish the thing.  I also may or may not have included the response to that email wherein I called her a whore. 

The best part is that I may or may not have put FYI in the body of the forward.   As if to allegedly say  "Just so you know, my friend ate a jizz flavored bread product and I think she's a hooker for doing so.  Enjoy your day."  

Is it time to go home yet??  

You're Welcome

I'm here to talk to you about a very real danger. It could be lurking in your closet, under your bed, even in your bathtub. Through awareness and vigilance, we can stop this menace in its tracks.

That's right. I'm talking about monsters.

You may not have seen the monsters lurking in your home, but let me assure you, they are there. Let us discuss the top three types of monsters and what can be done to ensure that you and your loved ones do not become another statistic in the monster/human conflict.

• Type 1: Bathtub Monsters

These are the least scary (but still dangerous) member of the monster family. Usually some toys, water, and a little soap and shampoo will do the trick in transforming these terrifying creatures into something less appalling (i.e. your child). A regular ritual of cleansing will ensure that this particular type of scourge will never darken your door. However, if unattended, the bathtub monster will assault your senses with foul odors and wreak havoc on your carpets and furniture.

• Type 2: Under the Bed Monsters

This type of monster is a bit trickier than its cousin, the bathtub monster. Lurking under your bed, this rapscallion will take any opportunity to jump out and grab your feet when least expected (or use its mind powers to make you THINK that it will do this), causing sleeplessness, which in turn leads to increased carelessness, doltishness and other -ness's. Clever use of socks and never, EVER leaving your feet uncovered will help to neutralize this obnoxious offender.

• Type 3: Closet Monsters

The worst of all the monster species, this horrific creature waits patiently in your closet for you to fall asleep before eating you, bones and all. The ONLY way to avoid this monster is to make sure all closet and bathroom doors are closed TIGHTLY before closing your eyes. Due to the length of their claws and lack of opposable thumbs, the closet monster cannot turn door knobs (or play video games, but that's for another post). However, if doors are not shut tightly or left open, the clothes in the closet will begin to dance, thereby hypnotizing you to sleep and BAM! That will be the end of you.

Please help me spread the word about the monster scourge. Let us not lose anyone else to this terrible affliction. Thank you for letting me play. Goodnight. 


Monster Update 2011:  Great.  Now we have *this* to deal with.  Will the conflict never end?!!!!!!!

My BJ's Are Better Than Yours.....

Now, I am not what you consider to be a 'small' girl. In fact, I have been fond of saying that I don't have curves, I have road blocks. But through extensive research (and yes, I do mean EXTENSIVE), I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that girls of my...stature do better than girls of a thinner nature. One of these things is blowjobs.
Now before the comments and the emails, etc., begin about how this couldn't possibly be true, I have come up with three very good reasons as to why this is. They are as follows:

1-) Chubby girls rarely get men to come back to their places. This is true and you know it is and anyone who disagrees can not talk to me for two to four minutes. We get so excited when we finally do get a man back to the lair, we've got to figure out a way to keep him there. A magically delicious mouth is a sure fire way to get any man to forget that he went home with the big 'un friend.

2-) We've been shoving shit into our mouths for years!!! And when you think on the fact that the things that we've been throwing down our gullets are decidedly phallic in nature (Twinkie's, Ho Ho's, etc.)......seriously. Blow jobs are like the chubby girl Olympics and every big girl has been training for the gold medal since she was in size 14 husky jeans.

And lastly, and this is the most important in my book...

3-) Our mothers always taught us to swallow. Mull that one over a bit.

Line forms to the left, gentlemen. Single file, please. Thank you.