My Man is Better Than Your Man

It's been a while since I've posted and I know,  I know - you've missed me.   And I you.  But guess what? I've been busy, yo!  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and being the mother of a toddler can do that to a woman.  There are gatherings to attend, pictures to be taken and general craziness that ensues.  But I'm back and I'm in pensive mode.  With the holiday season pretty  much behind us and the new year looming, I've been ruminating on the things that mean the most to me and I've decided I need to give a shout out to the man that's made pretty much every great thing that's happened to me over the last two and a half years possible.  So sit down, buckle up and hang on.  I'm about to brag like a motherfucker about why my man kicks ass.  

Reason #1: He's Smart!

Ridiculously smart.  As in CERTIFIED MICROBIOLOGIST smart!  He's got brains practically falling out of his asshole.  And that's sexy as hell.  And yes, I realize how that visual looks.  

Reason #2:  He's Thoughtful!

He remembers anniversaries and what my favorite flowers are.   He listens when I speak.  He knows how to give gifts like I've never seen and they are ALWAYS appropriate.   I give you Exhibit A: 

He fucking GETS me. 

Reason #3:  He's Funny!

Sometimes it's intentional.  Sometimes it's not.   All of the time it's fucking hilarious.  Some of his more memorable gems:  

Me:  Nobody could survive that kind of jump. 

Him:  You could if you had an Adamantium asshole.  

(Watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Hugh Jackman has just jumped off of an insanely high waterfall)

Him:  I don't remember his name. Not Charles Barkley, but that other black guy that plays basketball.

Me: Ummmmmmmm........

(Trying to describe who a sports commentator is to me)

Me:  Justin Bieber has a new cologne out.  

Him:  I bet it smells like Jesus!! 

Reason #4:  He's a Great Father!

He adores our child.  And the feeling is totally mutual.  

 

Reason #5 (and I think this is the most important):  He Chose Me!

Who doesn't enjoy being loved????????  

Back off, bitches.  This one's mine. 

My BJ's Are Better Than Yours.....

Now, I am not what you consider to be a 'small' girl. In fact, I have been fond of saying that I don't have curves, I have road blocks. But through extensive research (and yes, I do mean EXTENSIVE), I have come to the conclusion that there are some things that girls of my...stature do better than girls of a thinner nature. One of these things is blowjobs.
Now before the comments and the emails, etc., begin about how this couldn't possibly be true, I have come up with three very good reasons as to why this is. They are as follows:

1-) Chubby girls rarely get men to come back to their places. This is true and you know it is and anyone who disagrees can not talk to me for two to four minutes. We get so excited when we finally do get a man back to the lair, we've got to figure out a way to keep him there. A magically delicious mouth is a sure fire way to get any man to forget that he went home with the big 'un friend.

2-) We've been shoving shit into our mouths for years!!! And when you think on the fact that the things that we've been throwing down our gullets are decidedly phallic in nature (Twinkie's, Ho Ho's, etc.)......seriously. Blow jobs are like the chubby girl Olympics and every big girl has been training for the gold medal since she was in size 14 husky jeans.

And lastly, and this is the most important in my book...

3-) Our mothers always taught us to swallow. Mull that one over a bit.

Line forms to the left, gentlemen. Single file, please. Thank you.